Jayden

On December 10th Jayden was admitted to a neuropsychiatric unit in SLC. It has been a rough 1 1/2 weeks. I always thought that it would be great to have a break from him. I am not one to really like to much peace and quiet and thats all I seem to have lately. Its quite depressing. I can go visit him and I try to go up every other day. I would love to go every day but its just too expensive. I miss him so much! Our visits are often short because he is very irritable right now. He doesnt like people asking him questions and he has had some behavior issues. They had originally taken him off of all of his meds but have had to add 3 new ones because he was so hyper. I mean like literally couldnt sit still for more than 2 seconds. He has a flat affect and they are wondering if he has some depression going on. Its weird to think a 6 year old could be depressed but I just want him to get some help to be happy again. He seems to like it up there but I think he still wants to come home. It may actually be months before he truelly gets to. Unless these meds magically work by the time the holidays are over he may require more treatment. This throws off everything but at this point the only thing that matters to me is that he is happy. I worried about how he was sleeping up there because at home he always slept in my bed, which will now be a thing of the past.It sounds liek he has been sleeping good. His roommate told us that Jayden was the best roommate ever. The Art therapist said Jayden has amazing artistic talent. She said whatever pictures he didnt want she would take. He really is great, he has an eye for detail, and can draw things from memory. I have been lost lately. This week is guaranteed to be rough as well. Jayds 7th Birthday is on Wednesday. He is not really to excited and we planned on going to Chuck E Cheese but instead we will take him a Happy Meal and some cupcakes and spend it at the "Hospital". We cant even take all his presents because he cant keep them there and we cant show him them and then take them away. He should be able to come home for a few hours on Christmas Day. That should be nice. I know he really wants to see Kaylee. I hope that we can get him situated and not ever have to take him back but as I have been going up there I have noticed that it seems kids visit there repeatedly. I really cant do this to much. Its all just mentally exhausting. I have been on the verge of tears all the time. Not cool but I guess it just comes with the territory.

Rough week!

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that there is no help out there for Jayden. I talked to one of(well his only real friend)friends mom today and she told me that she had been through the same thing with her just a few months ago. She felt exactly the same way I did and it was hard to get her daughter the help that she needed. This friend of his also has Aspergers and ADHD and basically the same history. They are also in the same class this year. They finally got her on some meds that have really helped and the mom took some Love and Logic classes and I am definetly going to look into that. Its sad but feels so nice at the same time to know that I am not alone and that other moms have been through the same thing and have felt exactly the sameway that I do now. She sais it gets worse before it gets better and it has gotten worse so when do we get the "better" part? I feel like if I want anything done than I have to do it myself. Which is pretty much how life has always been so why should it be any different now? I am disappointed with everyone right now! The system is ridiculous. His Dr(psych) doesnt want to take him off of all of his meds, but will decrease the doses and get rid of his ADHD med. The next few weeks may be a nightmare, but we will just has to get through it. I was hoping to be able to work less now but it looks like Ive got at least 10 more weeks of picking up extras before my financial situation eases up a bit. I just want to work a little less and have my little buddy back. On the bright side, I am officially done with orienting and worked mmy 1st shift alone on saturday. I started an IV and gave blood. My IV did go bad after 10 min and I wasnt able to get the others in but hey, baby steps, right? Its a great job and I love that most of the people are super nice and are right there to help you out no matter what goes wrong.

Ornaments

Jayd has been really into crystals lately so last night we got some borax and boiled some water and made crystal ornaments. They were super easy and look pretty cool on Jayds lil tree. All you have to do is make shapes out of pipe cleaners, boil some water, add about 3-5 tsp Borax per cup and mix. Tie the pipe cleaners with a string to a pencil and then let the ornament hang freely in the water( We put the water in jars but you could use anything). Less than 24 hours later they will be covered in crystals and you remove them and let the dry and then hang them on the tree.

UUUGGGGHHH!

Today has been a rough day! I cant handle these behavior issues much longer. I have been looking on the internet for some behavioral treatment centers for children and its ridiculus! Mostly there are sites for centers that deal with drug addicts and alcoholics, girls and teenagers. What I cant seem to figure out is why I am the one having to try and figure all this out. Shouldnt there be people out there that do this for a living? I mean I know that I am the parent and the advocate but REALLY? I dont know where to go or who to turn to. I have a number to call tomorow for a guy who may be somewhat knowledgable but then what? I have to call all of these places? I am so mad right now! I feel like just giving up but we cant keep living like this. I want some help! The social worker at primarys said,"Well it seems that you have a good support system." The more I think about it the more mad it makes me. I mean my family helps when I go to work and occasionally when I want to go hang out with friends for a few hours but other than that I am on my own. My friends and family listen but I cant get away every time I am at my wits end. I have to suffer through his behaviors and just want to walk away at times. I mean this child is so paranoid and afraid that 90% of the time he is sitting about 3 feet away from me at all times. I know that some of this is part of being a Mom. I have dealt with it for years. Sometimes when he is naughty I just want to get away for 5 min to cool off and I cant get this. It gets to the point where I call up my Mom or friend crying my eyes out because I cant take it anymore. It shouldnt have to be this way and I better have some answers tomorow. Things have got to get better!

So frustrated!

I thought I would post something about what has been going on at our house. Basically Jayden is having some psych issues and extremely bad behavior. It started about 2 months ago and at that time his psychiatrist told me that it was probably from his seizures. So we started him on a seizure med which I was trying to avoid. Well since then his behavior has gotten worse and worse. When he has an "episode" as I call it, he kicks, hits, screams as if he is being stabbed with a knife or something, bites, spits, swears, tells me he hates me and he is going to kill me. We never know what is going to set him off anymore. It could be not getting what he wants, a song or show he doesnt like, a noise, pretty much anything at this point. His Dr made some changes to his meds said to wrap him up in a blanket and rock him when he gets this bad. Let me tell you that is WAY more difficult than you think it would be. I have gotten noise violations because he has been screaming outside when we have left our apartment(to go to work) or are coming home from somewhere after 9pm. Last week someone complained that he had been outside screaming really late at night and that there wasnt any parents out there with him. He has been in bed by 8:30every night that we have been home. 4-5 nights a week I work from 1800-0600. The night they were referring to I was heading to work at 2300 and he was screaming because he wanted to sleep at home. The other night I had a neighbor come down the stairs when we got home because Jayden was screaming. It was at 2111. I know because I looked at the clock when I turned off the car. The guy just sat there staring and I looked up at him and said, " Do you need something?" in a very rude voice and he said, " Yeah, my baby ir trying to sleep." From there I almost lost it as I told him my child was having a psychotic episode and he still sat there and stared. I still want to go punch him in the face. People are ignorant and I am tired of it! Jayden rang one of the neighbors doors on Sat morning at 0830. I dont know why, I was gathering up our grocerys and had about 10 bags and a gallon of milk and my big work bag when I heard this guy screaming I am gonna kick you a$$ kid over and over. This guy has some mental issues but I dont care you do not come out yelling at a child that way, EVER! Jayden was obviously scared and ran inside. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and told him if he ever talked to my kid that way again I would kick his trash(not in those exact words mind you). Was it the right thing to say? NO but I will stick up for my child at all times. We did have a long discussion about not ringing peoples doorbells anymore though. I feel like at some point it really is going to come down to me fighting it out with my neighbors. I have become more agitated, ornery, and depressed lately. I am constantly on the verge of tears or wanting to punch someone in the face. This is not me. I feel that I have failed as a mother because I cant help my son. I am trying but no one seems to be listening. I feel like a lot of his issues are my fault. I just think if I only could work less, maybe if I would have been home more, I should have been a better mom, I should have not let him get away with so much. People tell me its not my fault but it doesnt matter what they say. It doesnt make me feel any better.
We spent a couple hours at a Crisis Clinic yesterday and she told us that she recomended hospitalization and told us to head to the ER and they would get the process started. So we did and 5 hours later we went home with no help. I called her back today and she said they never should have let us leave. They should have found him a bed. Well I know enough to know that there are not ever enough beds in the childrens psych units. So she told us to head up to Primarys and they would find us a place to get him admitted to. Well 4 hours later and all we got was a telephone number for a guy that can tell me about residential and day treatment centers. I cant call him until monday and I was feeling ok about this when we left until we got home and started freaking out again.I just dont know what to do. Of course I dont want my child admitted anywhere but he obviously needs more help than what he is getting from me or meds or his psychiatrist. I am literally just sick. I dont know how much more of this I can take. Its sounds wrong but my child is literally abusing me. He is not "Jayden" its like he is possessed or something. I rarely see his cute personality anymore. I cant take him anywhere and if he keeps it up were going to lose our apartment. Not to mention I have to be scared that my stupid neighbors are going to call the police because of his screaming( thinking he is being abused). I just dont know where to go to next. No one is listening or doing anything and I really just feel like giving up. Maybe Ive lost him for good. Maybe he cant return to his "normal" self.

Disneyland Day #1

Jayds first ER visit

Yesterday Jayden had a seizure and got to visit the Emergency Room for the 1st time. It was SUPER scary! This was not his 1st one but this one was 3x longer . I was dropping him off at my Grandmas and he went and sat on the floor. My Grandma was trying to get his attention and he wasnt saying anything or looking towards her. I went and sat down next to him to see what he was looking at. His eyes were darting back and forth and he wouldnt respond to me. I layed him down and was assessing him. My grandma asked him to squeeze her hand, he must have been coming to because he lightly sqoze her hand. After a little bit he was able to shake his head yes and after a little bit longer I asked him if he was ok and he said, "yes". I was very nervous and took him straight to the car and headed to the ER. They put in an IV to draw some blood for labs and had him give a urine sample. They did a CT scan. He was so cooperative and BRAVE! Having a CT scan can be scary, especially when your only 6 years old! Everything came back normal and so we were sent home and told to follow up with his pediatrician. When we visited Dr Weipert today he also agreed that it sounded like a "petite mal" seizure. These can also be known as "Absence Attacks". According to headinjury.com these are characterized by abrupt and brief interruption of consciousness without convulsion.During the typical, seconds-long episode there is "loss of contact" or "spacing out". During the episode, interaction is not possible. These episodes can be very brief, subtle and easily missed by a nearby observer. Normally, whatever activity a child was engaged in before the seizure is continued following it. Sometimes children with these seizure types are misdiagnosed with learning or behavioral problems. Dr Weipert said they would most likely continue and each time get worse and worse. He said thay are easily treated and is going to have us visit a Neurologist. I am nervous about all of this and it truely breaks my heart. He already has to deal with so much and to add seizures to the list of problems just makes me sick. I am so grateful he has awesome insurance and is double covered because I am sure we still have many Doctors visits to come. I am also so thankful for the priesthood and for Jarom giving Jayden a blessing last night. Well I will post more after we have seen the Neurologist.