Jayder

My not so little Jayder is home now. I say not so little because this kid has already outgrown his size 7 pants in the last 4 months. He is going to be taller than me before we know it! Things have been going pretty good. He is pretty much back to himself. He is definetly obeying mom much better. He has had a few meltdowns but is able to calm down pretty quick and if he is having a really bad day he has some prn meds that really help. I have only had to give those to him once. He got some sort of stomach bug the day after coming home and I spent a few days cleaning up not so fun messes. I was just happy it was vomit and not diarrhea! He was wiped out for a few days but seems to be mostly recovered by now. I swear I have watched A Bugs Life 100 times this past week! I am ok with it! I think the kid just likes background noise. I really wanted to take him on a trip to the "beach". I was thinking 5 days in Cancun. Just relaxing! We really deserve it after all that we have through! However we are planning on moving the end of March and I had hoped to buy a new table and chairs and a washer and dryer with my tax return. Turns out because I made so much money last year(LOL) that my tax return is pretty lame and might barely cover a first months rent and a deposit. So I guess that means NO beach trip this year. Did I mention I do get at least 9 days off to move? Thats what we have to look forward to. If the Nicu continues to be busy again(slowed down and then picked back up)then maybe I can pick up some extras to pay for my table and washer and dryer. Cross my fingers, even though I really dont want to work extras but if it takes 1 extra day a week for a month to buy what I want then I will suffer through it. Although I wouldnt want to do it anywhere else besides the NICU. That place is awesome!

Good News?

Tonight Jayds Psychiatrist told me that if all goes well on Saturday when he comes home for his LOA then on Sunday she will discharge him. I am excited and really scared all at the same time! After 5 weeks of him being gone it will be a big adjustment for the both of us. We plan to keep doing some of the same things they have been doing up at UNI. I know that life is going to be rough for awhile but we will get through it!

Ups and Downs

Things have been crazy lately. Jayden is doing ok. His moods are all over the place. One day he is doing great with no time outs or trips to seclusion. Were talking like 2-3 "good" days but then, without warning, something sets him off. Things like not getting to play with a certain toy that another child is playing with. Things that might normally cause a child to throw a temper tantrum. The only problem is, is that these are not normal tantrums. He gets really angry and can become violent. I witnessed one while I was visiting the other day and it quickly brought me back to reality (I had been living in some fantasy land where I thought he was doing really well and would be able to come home soon). I really am not sure if I am ready to deal with it again. I mean I don't want him to come home and have to go right back because I cant control him during a tantrum. I miss him so much though! The Doctors are so puzzled by whats going on with him. They have seen some behaviors that have looked like seizures but they did an EEG on Thursday and it was negative. They are still starting him on a seizure med that also is a mood stabilizer. Hoping it will help both issues. If there are still signs of seizure activity they will look into doing a video EEG. They tried to get him into Primary Children's Residential Treatment Center, which I wasn't not happy about, but they denied him. The only other option as far as residential treatment centers is the State Hospital. I was against any of these places at first and it really upset me but then I decided they are the professionals and they know whats best for him so I will just sit back and see what they decide. They now think that the State Hospital is not the best fit for him either. The Dr did tell me that he might be transferred to Wasatch Canyons(Primary Children's inpatient psych unit) soon because of my insurance. Its so hard to still have him gone. I miss him more and more each day. I am still struggling with feeling like a horrible Mom, especially since I cant be up there every single day. I just cannot afford it. I go 2-3 times a week though. I try to call him but he has never been one to talk on the phone. When he will take a call, it only lasts about 30-60 seconds. Which is fine. I just like to hear his voice. Today has been a really hard day for some reason. I have cried off and on all day. I am not totally sure why but some of it has to do with the fact that Jayden had asked to see his Dad awhile back and I haven't seen nor heard from him in like 2 months now. It breaks my heart to know that he is in the "hospital" and his "Dad" doesn't care. I really wish I could find him a new Dad that loves and supports him. This poor boy deserves it!

I MISS this boy like Crazy!!!

Every time I see this look on his face it my heart breaks! He has been gone now for over 3 weeks and even though he seems to like the "hospital" he still wants to come home. I want him home but want him to get a little bit better first! He has been able to come for visits 3 times now. Each trip up and back is 1 1/2 hours minimum so 6 hours of driving this weekend has wore me out. We had fun though, with trips to McDonald's and playing with his new toys from Christmas.