Ups and Downs

Things have been crazy lately. Jayden is doing ok. His moods are all over the place. One day he is doing great with no time outs or trips to seclusion. Were talking like 2-3 "good" days but then, without warning, something sets him off. Things like not getting to play with a certain toy that another child is playing with. Things that might normally cause a child to throw a temper tantrum. The only problem is, is that these are not normal tantrums. He gets really angry and can become violent. I witnessed one while I was visiting the other day and it quickly brought me back to reality (I had been living in some fantasy land where I thought he was doing really well and would be able to come home soon). I really am not sure if I am ready to deal with it again. I mean I don't want him to come home and have to go right back because I cant control him during a tantrum. I miss him so much though! The Doctors are so puzzled by whats going on with him. They have seen some behaviors that have looked like seizures but they did an EEG on Thursday and it was negative. They are still starting him on a seizure med that also is a mood stabilizer. Hoping it will help both issues. If there are still signs of seizure activity they will look into doing a video EEG. They tried to get him into Primary Children's Residential Treatment Center, which I wasn't not happy about, but they denied him. The only other option as far as residential treatment centers is the State Hospital. I was against any of these places at first and it really upset me but then I decided they are the professionals and they know whats best for him so I will just sit back and see what they decide. They now think that the State Hospital is not the best fit for him either. The Dr did tell me that he might be transferred to Wasatch Canyons(Primary Children's inpatient psych unit) soon because of my insurance. Its so hard to still have him gone. I miss him more and more each day. I am still struggling with feeling like a horrible Mom, especially since I cant be up there every single day. I just cannot afford it. I go 2-3 times a week though. I try to call him but he has never been one to talk on the phone. When he will take a call, it only lasts about 30-60 seconds. Which is fine. I just like to hear his voice. Today has been a really hard day for some reason. I have cried off and on all day. I am not totally sure why but some of it has to do with the fact that Jayden had asked to see his Dad awhile back and I haven't seen nor heard from him in like 2 months now. It breaks my heart to know that he is in the "hospital" and his "Dad" doesn't care. I really wish I could find him a new Dad that loves and supports him. This poor boy deserves it!